4.0 Arranged

Many decisions in life are often made for us. Typically, the older we grow the more autonomy we gain over our own lives, particularly in western cultures. However, in Eastern cultures such as several Asian cultures, personal autonomy and independence develop at a much slower rate. I identify as Asian-Indian and hence belong to such culture. Decisions are made for individuals well into adulthood. Decisions including who we marry and when. Yeah … whoa! Traditional Indian households believe in the process of arranged marriages where the elders of the family prescreen eligible suitors for their son or daughter, and in some instances make the final selection too. In the most traditional extreme, it is not uncommon for the couple to first meet at their own wedding! The influence of westernization on the institution of arranged marriage has however lead to an increase in the young adult’s autonomy in making the final selection of his or her marriage companion. On the other hand, several young adults feel that even the decisions they do make “independently” tend to be contingent on what is expected and the anticipated disapproval they could bring about to their parents. They typically make the decisions that induce the least amount of disapproval. Except for the rebels of course!

Due to the staggering statistics suggesting the success of arranged marriages, more individuals are catching on to this “trend”. I mean, the divorce rate is incredibly low amongst arranged marriages, that has to equate to success, right!? Well, not necessarily. Divorce rate alone cannot be deemed a fair predictor of marital success. While there are many factors leading to the success of this institution, there are several stressors and pressures involved that can prove to be overwhelming for couples. In this article I discuss some of these pressures on individuals who engage in Indian arranged marriages in western countries.

The commitment of marriage made in front of God and family is typically the driving motive to make the marriage work, no matter what. Due to this weighted commitment, common marital difficulties such as the lack of similarities between partners, conflict, resentment, lack of quality time, lack of passion, feeling unloved and unappreciated, the inability to fall in love, or falling out of love are considered “loose” issues not worth ending a marriage over. It typically takes more “severe” circumstances for divorce to be considered a viable option. Circumstances such as physical/mental abuse or continued infidelity. Additionally, the collectivistic nature of the culture emphasizes the importance of involvement of others in our lives, and the interdependence between members of the family. Let’s not forget, the newlyweds are expected to live with the husband’s family, and not independently. All members of the family affect each other to a heightened degree. While the primary focus amongst typical western marriages are strengthening a pre-established bond, exploring romance and learning to live with each other, this is only a secondary or tertiary focus amongst Indian arranged marriages. Couples in an arranged marriage typically focus on their relational duties. Spousal and familial duties: providing financially, cooking and cleaning, acts of service for the entire family and learning how to live with each member of the family. Moreover, spending time together as a larger family is more important than spending time in a couple. Where does alone time fit into all this you may ask … sometimes, individuals fail to create alone time entirely! On the other hand, out of respect and care for the family’s reputation, the young couple are often afraid to discuss marital difficulties and differences in fear of bringing shame to the entire family. Divorce is culturally viewed as shameful to one’s reputation due to the disrespect to God and the institution of marriage itself. Are you all starting to get a sense of the pressure all these factors can induce upon a couple? Not to forget the pressure that the stats bring to the picture! No couple ever wants to be amongst the minority who decide to divorce. Oh and wait, what about the approval the couple requires from their elders before filing for divorce? And the fear of being in exile if you act against their will! And the pressure of feeling “stuck” in a marriage and having no control to change this feeling? Arrrrrggghhh!!! Overwhelming is an understatement.

When one member of the couple identifies more with the western culture they are living in, and the other identifies with their Eastern culture, more stress is piled onto their marriage. This also means that the Eastern-culture-identifying member may relate more with the elders within the household who enforced the arranged marriage in the first place. This may cause isolation of a member, or division of the couple and entire family, amongst several other pressures. Developing personal desires and adapting one’s picture of an ideal lifestyle based on the Western culture one is brought up in and exposed to, while also identifying with a very different culture opposing such lifestyle can induce severe internal and interpersonal conflict.

Now I know all the haters are probably thinking “this woman is bashing arranged marriages because she does not know how to manage her own!” Quite the contrary. I am simply sharing my personal and professional take on some of the stressors of arranged marriages, because they can be overlooked. All marriages require hard work to maintain, and no one marriage is like another. These marital pressures are by no means universal to all arranged marriages either, but some are unique to the institution of arrange marriages. I absolutely believe that arranged marriages can truly be successful and happy if the stressors are managed appropriately, and communication is healthy and consistent. I’m just going to have to post a piece on how to survive the arranged marriage. Challenge accepted!